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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28263684">Taste of Ash</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowrogue/pseuds/shadowrogue'>shadowrogue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, F/M, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:35:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,864</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28263684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowrogue/pseuds/shadowrogue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders is dead by Hawke's hand. A person can only handle so much grief.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anders/Female Hawke, Fenris/Female Hawke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Taste of Ash</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"There you are."</p><p>Hawke scoffed, lifting the bottle in her hand in a makeshift toast as she stared out over the stormy waters of the Wounded Coast.</p><p>"<em>Here I am</em>. Congrats - you found me. What do you want, a medal?"</p><p>She watched from the corner of her eye as Fenris perched upon a large rock, folding his legs over the pale stone.</p><p>"Nobody has heard from you in days," he pointed out, "Not since the battle. Aveline must have searched every filthy hole from Darktown to Hightown looking for you. She's beside herself with worry."</p><p>Even Hawke could tell her words were slurred. "She's strong. She'll survive."</p><p>Fenris was quiet for a moment. Pensive.</p><p>"Will you?"</p><p>The once glorified Champion didn't know how to respond to such a ridiculous inquiry. She took another drink, feeling the burn of liquor slide down her throat. Maybe once she could see the bottom of the glass she might find some semblance of peace. Some way to forget. Maybe it would turn off the pain, the guilt. Provide the numbness she craved.</p><p>Silence the memory of Anders' voice in her head.</p><p>"<em>Amatus</em>, he was a madman. You did what you had to do," Fenris reasoned.</p><p>Her eyes began to water. "No. No, he wasn't. He was <em>good</em> - patient and kind. I truly believe it was Vengeance who poisoned his mind. Maker's breath, he was a damn <em>healer</em>. All that destruction...all those deaths. No - that wasn't <em>him</em>."</p><p>"If that's the case, if that's what you choose to believe, then you did him a favor. You freed him."</p><p>Hawke gripped the neck of the bottle tightly, scowling.</p><p>"Death is not freedom. Freedom would've been finding a way to rip that damn spirit out of him and send it back to the bloody Fade. That should've been my goal from the beginning. Then none of this would've ever happened. The Grand Cleric would still be alive. Orsino would <em>still</em> be alive. Anders, he…he would...<em>fuck</em>!"</p><p>She cried out, wobbling to a stand. She twisted to hurl the whiskey in her hand towards the nearest cliffside. It shattered into a thousand miniscule pieces, amber liquid raining down as she collapsed to her knees, breathing heavily, feeling as though her lungs were collapsing in upon themselves.</p><p>Fists clenched, she stared blearily down at her bruised, torn knuckles. At the empty space on her fourth finger. She swore she could still see her lover's blood staining her palms. Even after she'd scrubbed it away in the sea, trace filth - <em>evidence</em> - of the deed still remained, caught under her nails. Black now.</p><p>Andraste spare her, she hadn't even buried him. She'd just <em>left</em> him there, facedown in the street, after all he'd done for her.</p><p>Where was his body now? What had they done with it?</p><p>"I killed the man I loved," she said, her voice hollow, "I promised to share my life with him - to be his family, his home, his safety - only to put a dagger through his back. What does that make me, if not an abomination myself?" She sighed, burying her face in her hands as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Perhaps you were right all along. Maybe all mages are monsters...maybe the world would be better off without us. Without me."</p><p>A hand fell to her shoulder as Fenris crouched down in front of her. His face was unusually kind as she glanced up at him, his deep voice soft.</p><p>"I can assure you, Hawke - the world would be a much darker place without you in it."</p><p>She nodded, not in agreement, simply in acknowledgement, gaze falling to the sand. The small grains of broken shell and shale all seemed to blur together like a kaleidoscope. It made her empty stomach churn.</p><p>"I just feel so...<em>alone</em>," she gasped, "Like there's <em>nothing</em> left. Bethany was slaughtered. My mother died in pieces. Carver is a damned Templar. And going home...Fenris, I can't even go home now. I tried. I <em>did</em>. But walking into the room we shared, knowing I would wake up without him...there's just too many memories there."</p><p>Fenris shrugged, never one to be too empathetic. "Too many memories would be a welcome plight to some people."</p><p>"Now of all times you choose to have a sense of humor?"</p><p>She didn't mean to sound so bitter, not at him. But her voice came out dripping with venom regardless; the way a wounded Mabari bites, merely because it's in pain.</p><p>Fenris huffed a long-winded sound she knew all too well, settling down beside her on the cold, hard ground, his tone firm, if not a bit impatient.</p><p>"Look - I won't pretend to understand what you're going through. To lose someone you love must be a truly awful thing. But you aren't alone, Hawke. You've never <em>been</em> alone. You have friends. Granted, most of us are damaged goods in some way or another, and Merrill is a damn blood mage...but we all care for you."</p><p>Hawke leaned her head against his shoulder, too drunk to stand, to care. In response he reached for her hand, squeezing it once in solidarity. It was an oddly familiar feeling, the warmth of his fingers mixed with the frigid steel of his gauntlet. His right brace still had a torn strip of her favorite scarf tied around it, an odd but not unpleasant reminder of what they'd once been.</p><p>It was so distant now, that night they'd spent together. The way he had left afterwards, so suddenly. They'd never spoken of it aloud. But she could still feel his intimate touch as if it were only yesterday. The ghost of his arms, caging her against the bed; the press of his lips on hers, hot and demanding; the way they'd moved together, aggressively sweet.</p><p>Back before her life had gone to absolute shit and the world had physically imploded, right before her very eyes.</p><p>"What comes next?" she whispered.</p><p>She felt brittle. As if she would shatter if she moved so much as a single muscle. Her staff lay nearby, its blade resting in the mud. But she didn't bother reaching for it. Damn it all to the Void - what would be the point? She couldn't even look at it without bile rising in her throat. Her aura itself seemed to be tainted now, next to nonexistent ever since Anders had fallen to the cobblestone, lifeless and still.</p><p>Her fault.</p><p>Her doing.</p><p>A rash decision, born of anger from being lied to.</p><p>Why had he done that? Why all the deception? Had it truly been to protect her? He was right - she would've helped him, had she only known his plan. She was just as devout to their cause, to everything they'd fought towards all these years. Just as furious. But he must've thought his actions a surefire death sentence, and had spared her what he'd thought would be the gallows-</p><p>
  <em>"Your magic is a gift from the Maker, love. Don't ever be ashamed of it. You don't have to hide what you are...not from me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd been propped up above her, his hair loose around his face, the firelight bathing him in a golden glow. She'd clenched her fist against the sheets, embarrassed as she'd felt her palm chill, a hint of ice creeping through her skin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His tender touch had slid over her, fingers threading her cold ones, an enchanted heat warming her all the way to her core, making her toes curl, her heart sing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's beautiful...just like you."</em>
</p><p>-only for her hand to be the noose.</p><p>She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it all away, trying to shut out the noise. If she were stronger her grip would've shattered bone. She felt herself shaking.</p><p>Fenris attempted to smooth down her tangled hair. Meredith's blood was still matted in it, but the elf either didn't notice or simply chose to ignore the matter.</p><p>"I wish I could tell you."</p><p>"I can't go home," she reiterated quietly, feeling her eyelids grow heavy, her limbs still aching, injured from the fight. But she desperately needed sleep; she couldn't hide out here forever. She'd die of exposure. "Can I stay with you?"</p><p>"I'm messy," he reminded her, a small smile in his voice.</p><p>"I never cared."</p><p>"Irregardless, we can't dawdle long. Kirkwall lays in ruin and ash, and the people are looking for someone to blame. It may not be the safest place for you right now."</p><p>"Figures."</p><p>He awkwardly gathered her against his chest, into his arms. Hawke didn't resist it. She was too damn tired. She simply closed her eyes, listening to the drumming of his slow heartbeat. It sounded almost distant, drowned out by the crashing waves.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he said under his breath, as though it physically pained him to apologize aloud, "I never should have left you the way I did."</p><p>"I was heartbroken," she admitted, the buzz of expensive spirits making her tongue loose, "I felt used. Discarded. Anders found me at Hanged Man the next day. I wasn't a pretty sight. He took me to his clinic. He was there for me, when you weren't. He accepted me, all of me, back when you didn't. You flinched the very first time I touched you with my magic. He never did. We were apostates, together...and I was the happiest I'd ever been, standing at his side."</p><p>She knew Fenris didn't want to hear any of this. But she had to get it out. It was eating her alive.</p><p>"I knew...I <em>knew</em> Justice had gone corrupt. But like a damned fool, I never said anything. I simply stood by as Anders began to change, until he was little more than a stranger in borrowed clothes. He'd grown more distant this past year, more cold. Elusive. I would often catch him muttering to himself. And he was so <em>angry</em>, all the time. It frightened me, because he had always been so gentle before. A romantic. Towards the end though he was rough, and not in the good way. In his moments of clarity I could see the way he fought against it, trying to maintain control. How much pain he was in. He would tremble when he held me..."</p><p>Fenris held her now, his embrace steady as steel, if not a bit stiff. She had been freezing before, but shivered less pressed up against him. He was secure, like an anchor, something to tether to in order to keep from drowning. It grew difficult to stay awake.</p><p>"Please don't leave me," she begged, pathetically, "I couldn't stand to lose you too. Not again."</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere, Hawke."</p><p>"...promise?"</p><p>"You have my word."</p><p>She drifted off then, two days of exhaustion finally wearing her down, to a place neither here nor there; head heavy, mind full of fog. Eventually she felt herself being jostled, her body weightless.</p><p>Her eyes fluttered open, and she realized she was being carried. She didn't know where Fenris was taking her, and she hadn't a clue as to what came next. But he was right.</p><p>She had friends - she always had.</p><p>She was strong.</p><p>She would survive.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kudos/comments appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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